Annihilation

I feel the refrain in my bones. After the pain of my final semester of physics, I just wanted to live in peace instead of suffering through a master’s degree, so I perhaps foolishly decided to become a high school teacher. As one, only the nostalgia of my university career would be my glory. Unfortunately, every second week I get sick, and in between I’m stuck in a state of listlessness. At some points, not even caffeine or sugar has been able to stop me from falling asleep at my desk. Little did I know that this freedom would quickly become a trap, as the days just keep speeding up beyond my control. And now, here I am, looking for a way out. Shit. I wonder what KOKOMI was thinking when wrote these lyrics.

☆ Title: Annihilation
★ Album: 薔薇の棺に太陽は在らず
☆ Album Artist: Asriel
★ Vocals and lyrics: KOKOMI
☆ Arrangement and composition: 黒瀬圭亮 (Kurose Keisuke)

心惹かれる邪悪なモノを横目に通り抜け
昼も夜もナイ熱く冷めた日常に閉じこもる
ア ナ タ
イルミネーション電飾はそう一時の満足
深海のように動かない感情に嫌気がさす
ア ナ タ ヘ

kokoro hikareru jaaku na mono o yokome ni toori nuke
hiru mo yoru mo nai atsuku sameta nichijou ni toji komoru
anata
irumineeshon denshoku wa sou hitotoki no manzoku
shinkai no you ni ugokanai kanjou ni iyake ga sasu
anata e

Secluding yourself away during intensely calm days with no day
or night
Y O U only give a passing glance to evil, as attractive as it is
Festive lights are only a temporary satisfaction
D E A R Y O U, who’s sick of feelings as unmoving
as the deep sea

所詮この世は醜くて
どうにでもなれ何もかも
捨てた瞬間から 変われた気がしてた
ボロボロに涸れる迄
使い込みそして捨てたれた
set me free, not pure?
ア タ シ ヘ

shosen kono yo wa minikukute
dou ni demo nare nani mo kamo
suteta shunkan kara kawareta ki ga shiteta
boroboro ni kareru made
tsukai komi soshite suterareta
set me free, not pure?
atashi e

In the end, this world is disgusting
I couldn’t care less what happens to it
From the moment I abandoned it, I felt like I was able to change
Until I was wrung dry
I was used up and then thrown away
set me free, not pure?
D E A R  M E

何処までが本当の自由で
何処からが罠だったのだろう
加速する流れ逆らえず
踏み外した 道の傷跡 それをなぞりながら
ただ懐かしさだけを糧に生きてる

doko made ga hontou no jiyuu de
doko kara ga wana datta no darou
kasoku suru nagare sakaraezu
fumi hazushita michi no kizuato sore o nazori nagara
tada natsukashisa dake o kate ni ikiteru

How far does true freedom go?
And at what point does it become a trap?
The current speeds up and I can’t go against it
While I trace the scar I got from stepping off the beaten path,
I’m only living off of nostalgia

夢の中の アタシはいつも同じ
綺麗なまま 笑っているのに ねぇ

yume no naka no atashi wa itsu mo onaji
kirei na mama waratteiru noni nee

Even though in my dreams, I’m always the same
Pretty and smiling, right?

所詮この世は醜くて
どうにでもなれ何もかも
捨てた瞬間から 変われた気がしてた
ボロボロに涸れる迄
使い込み軽く捨てたれた
set me free, not pure?
ア タ シ ヘ

shosen kono yo wa minikukute
dou ni demo nare nani mo kamo
suteta shunkan kara kawareta ki ga shiteta
boroboro ni kareru made
tsukai komi soshite suterareta
set me free, not pure?
atashi e

In the end, this world is disgusting
I couldn’t care less what happens to it
From the moment I abandoned it, I felt like I was able to change
Until I was wrung dry
I was used up and thrown away like it was nothing
set me free, not pure?
D E A R  M E

何処までが本当の自由で
何処からが罠だったのだろう
加速する流れ逆らえず
踏み外した 道の傷跡 それをなぞりながら
ただ懐かしさだけがアタシの栄光

doko made ga hontou no jiyuu de
doko kara ga wana datta no darou
kasoku suru nagare sakaraezu
fumi hazushita michi no kizuato sore o nazori nagara
tada natsukashisa dake ga atashi no eikou

How far does true freedom go?
And at what point does it become a trap?
The current speeds up and I can’t go against it
While I trace the scar I got from stepping off the beaten path,
nostalgia is my only glory

また今日も部屋の中
出口を探す 深海魚の姿 Realize
薬も もう効かない
踏み外した 道の傷跡 それをなぞりながら
まだ懐かしさに捕らわれたままで居る

mata kyou mo heya no naka
deguchi o sagasu shinkaigyo no sugata Realize
kusuri mo mou kikanai
fumi hazushita michi no kizuato sore o nazori nagara
mada natsukashisa ni torawareta mama de iru

Today, in my room again,
I look for an exit again and realize my form as a deep sea fish
The medicine won’t work anymore
While I trace the scar I got from stepping off the beaten path,
I remain a slave to nostalgia

The Amen University Experience (Year 3)

Warning: This post contains 18+ adult content.

Howdy, Amen here to talk about my third year university experience. Some time ago I started relating each semester of university to a touhou stage. First semester would be stage 1, second would be stage 2, etc. Usually, in touhou, you find a lead to the culprit of an incident at stage 4, before taking on the antagonist and the rest of her faction in stage 5 or 6. This is a very fitting analogy considering I did only introductory physics in my 2nd year (stages 3 and 4), and I’d be diving into the meat of it in my final two years. This third year would comprise of stage 5 and 6, then, and let me tell you, the ending sure was worthy of the title “last boss.”

The year began with a rough start. I applied for a dorm room, but an email managed to go unnoticed (I write in passive form as if I wasn’t responsible for this). This email was asking for a 500$ down payment. So I didn’t get the room. My parents were mad, but I had no worries. My second year had taught me that I had some strange spiritual powers. I named it the 何とかなる超能力 – the “everything will work out” superpower. And, unsurprisingly to me, things worked out. I found a great room to rent that was only a 15 minute walk down the road from the university. The owners of the house were nice, they had two cute pomeranians, and everything was perfect.

Pretty lucky so far, but this year, I had a mission that would test this luck to its full extent. This mission was to become a normie. I’d like to add a reason why, but I can’t really remember. Perhaps it was loneliness. To add some background details for those who haven’t read the Amen Origin Story, the last time I really had friends was when I was in grade 10 of high school. After that year, I was made to move across Canada and couldn’t see them again, and was alone since. Similarly, I had a girlfriend before, but it was an online relationship. It was nice for what it was, but I always wondered what it would be like to go on a physical date and spend time close together with someone you like. “That’s alright, I just haven’t met the right person yet,” I told myself, but over the years, it started to feel worse and worse, until I accepted that I was some sort of unlikeable thing. Either way, I wanted that rose coloured campus life. In order to become a normie, I had to infiltrate their ranks. Luckily, I already had a good idea as to how to accomplish this. In my second year, I heard about an app. This app let you make anonymous posts that others in the same area could also see and respond to, and it was popular among university students. This was my main source of information. The most common advice when trying to become a normie is to go to bars or parties. I had no idea when or where to go, but with this app, I was able to acquire the spacetime coordinates of each party. So, one night, I stepped out of the house and went to one, and as soon as I walked through the door, I felt like I was slapped in the face. The smell of booze was so thick, and the temperature was so high, it was like I stepped onto an alien planet. I felt like Buzz Lightyear.

It felt bizarre, but I had come too far to turn back now. I walked into the party house. Some people said hi to me. I said hi back. I found one guy from the floor I lived on last year and said hi to him. He said hi back. I went to the bathroom and wondered “What the hell am I doing here?” I went back out, and the host of the party was like “Hey, welcome, feel free to have a drink” and I obliged. I then just stood around for a minute, not really sure what to do, before leaving. Mission failure. I tried hitting up the bar once too but, similarly, it ended in failure. Becoming a normie is going to be a bit more difficult than I thought.

Meanwhile, this was the first semester beyond basic general physics. I had fluids & thermal physics, computational mechanics, subatomic particles, and on the side, French, and microeconomics.

It’s the first day of class. Standing outside the locked door to the computational mechanics room, waiting for the professor to arrive, I met who would turn out to be my brother in arms for my final two years. We’d chat after every class and often go out for food. I thought he was a normie, as a guitar player with a girlfriend and no obscure interests, but we got along well, and he even ended up changing my picture of what a normie is. Anyway, I was the only third year student, and he was the only second year student at the time. Though we were in different years, we’d end up sharing most of our classes because I was technically a year behind. He was also in fluids & thermal physics, and subatomic particles.

I’ll begin with subatomic physics. This was a pretty easy class that I don’t think had any prerequisites. It went over the history of subatomic physics, with the discovery of each particle, radiation, nuclear power, and basic particle physics. It was rather easy, and at the end, there was no final exam. Sounds great, right? But there was a catch. In place of a final exam, we had a game of jeopardy. And the points represented our marks. Let me say this one more time. We were competing in a game of jeopardy for marks. Let how ridiculous that is sink in. But at the same time, it was very fun. Anyway, there were about 6 people in the class, and we formed two teams of three. My team? The Tauboys (a mix of tauon and cowboy). It was a close call for the most part. Towards the end, we were close to tied with the opposing team, but I boldly chose a high point question. Our team discussed it and settled on an answer, but we were all unsure. Last second before we had to submit our answer, I changed it, and that change turned out to be the right call that shot us into the lead, and we won. Aside from marks, there was a surprise prize for winning. It turned out to be chocolate bar from a store near the large hadron collider. Neat, but I’m just glad to have made it out with an A after that shadow game. Sucks for my opponents though.

Computational mechanics was probably my favourite class throughout my university career. In it, we learned mathematica and how to use it with physics. I had never recognized differential equations before, but in this class, we learned what they were and how to solve them with mathematica. It was here that the power of physics really hit me. Differential equations were what I was searching for this whole time. The ability to take into account variables dependent on other changing variables. We solved problems too difficult to do by hand, and created animations, graphs, all sorts of things. It was a good time.

On the other hand, fluids & thermal physics was not a good time. This was the first time we used integrals in physics as a sum. In math, they taught us about Riemann sums and integration, but it was always in the context of area under a curve. While correct, the term “area” limits your thinking to space. In reality, that “area” can be anything. It’s just glorified multiplication that accounts for non-linear functions. That took a few problems to get used to, but the real pain was the final exam. There were 4 people in the class, including me. 10 questions, 3 hours. I had done good in the course up to this point. I was fairly confident. Sounds alright, right? But man, that exam was difficult, and very long. I don’t remember if I finished it, but if I did, it was only barely. Even so, I thought I did alright. Turns out I got the highest mark in the class as usual, but this time, I had a mark of 57 on the exam. What in tarnation? That was the highest mark? That’s insane. Later on, the professor recognized that the exam was a bit unfair and gave us all a couple bonus marks. It was enough to get me the A, but I was the only one with an A. Phew, close call.

Now, onto the electives. French was a breeze. I had done well in it throughout high school, but then again, high school French was a joke. It was NOT taught well there. On the other hand, the university French classes were taught well. Take it from me. Having learned Japanese to a decent extent, I know what learning a language involves, and this class hit all the right spots, and our professor was actually from France. That class answered questions I had never known the answer to in the 13 years of French classes I had taken. The only negative part of the course was the lab, but that’s just my personal opinion. In it, we had to sit at a computer, open up a program, and speak at the computer as it recorded us. Sometimes we just had to pronounce words, sometimes we had to answer questions. It was fairly standard, but one time, one of my physics professors popped up on the screen! His first language is French, so I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I still was. Anyway, like I said, the class was a breeze. I knew how to learn languages at that point.

Microeconomics was similarly very easy. It dealt with supply and demand and that kind of small scale stuff that business owners would have to deal with. Now, you wouldn’t expect most university students to have experience with that kind of stuff, but I did. Through MMOs. I was very familiar with dealing with free markets. I knew conditions that could affect market prices, and I was even familiar with some macroeconomics, such as inflation, to an extent. The majority of the course was multiple choice, and the most difficult math was a system of two linear equations. For someone doing physics, that was like throwing a dog a tasty bone.

So, soon enough, the semester ended and for the first time, I had gotten all A’s. Woo. Not only that, but I got an invitation letter to study economics from someone important. I think it was the department head but I don’t remember exactly because I had no interest in studying it, but that was cool. I also got a room in the dorms, and it wasn’t just any regular room. This was a handicap room which was extra big. In the end, not getting a room early actually worked out in my favour. Sadly, I had made little progress in my normie quest. I made a friend, sure, but I wasn’t satisfied yet. After the first party and bar experiences, I hadn’t made any further attempts…

The next semester began, and with it, the winter anime season. This season was no different from the rest of them, but there was one anime I was watching at the time: Kuzu no Honkai, that captured me. No one in that show could be called a good person, but even so, I couldn’t help but admire them, and think “I want to be in a situation like that.” They were going out, making mistakes, and living their youth to its fullest. I decided to give one final burst of effort to become a normie. After many years of solitude, I had forgotten what it felt like to feel many emotions. I was a physics machine. That was my life. That was all I lived for at this point. I had nothing else, and that was fine, but somewhere deep down, I wanted to experience what it felt like to be human. I just wanted to know what human warmth felt like.

Eventually, I tried tinder, cause what else can you do when you don’t have a circle of friends, know no one, and parties don’t work. First of all, getting barely any matches felt horrible. It just validated that nobody thought I looked good, and then when I did get a match, it was so nerve-wracking. There was SO much pressure to say the right thing, because if you didn’t, god knows if anyone else would even give you a chance, and you knew that each girl had a huge line of guys waiting for her, so she could easily unmatch you and not give a shit. So you either say something, they don’t respond, and then you’re just left to wonder “what did I do wrong? What could I have said?” or you do get a conversation going and they stop midway through and you just feel completely uninteresting. You feel like you’re not even worth talking to. My self esteem has since improved and I realize I’m not bad looking by any means, but that’s not enough. It’s a cancerous place, where you have insanely heavy expectations placed upon you. You can’t be yourself. You have to put on a performance for whoever you want to talk to in an attempt to keep them entertained and interested. Otherwise, they’ll just ignore you and move on to the next guy, and there’s always another guy. All this assuming you even get matches. As a male, you’re so easily replaceable, it’s depressing. I try not to think about it, but sometimes you’re forced to face cruel reality. Supply and demand indeed.

But this was my last breath. I couldn’t give up now, or I knew I’d be resigning to a fate of being alone for eternity without even knowing what it feels like to hold hands with someone. It was time to think outside the box. That app I mentioned earlier that I used as my source of party information. I could try making conversations with people on there. At least on an app not meant for dating, girls wouldn’t be looking at you like a literal piece of meat meant to dance for them. Again, I had little luck for the longest time, and it just crushed my hopes even more, but eventually, I did find someone willing to talk to me, and we did. She seemed pretty cool, she thought I was alright, some time passed, we decided to meet up in real life. We did, talked some more, and I asked if she wanted to head back to my place. She said yes, we talked some more, and then, things got lewd. It was my first time, and as easy as I thought sex would be, it wasn’t. Plus, as you’d expect, I was nervous the whole time. It wasn’t exactly the best time, but hey, it could’ve been worse. And it did get worse. Ring ring, her phone sounded. She picked up, and I heard an angry father on the other side demanding to know “Where are you?! What are you doing??!!?” Holy shit. She said she was studying, and hung up. She lied as easily as she breathed. But that really killed what little we had going. Not to mention, I had my bible lying around and she kept glancing at it. What an awkward situation. Not too long after, she went home, and through a bad excuse basically said didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Hahaha. Well, it wasn’t that great, and I felt unclean afterwards, but I got to experience something that most normal people do. My curiousity has been sated.

I still went on the app every now and then though. At one point, not too long after my first experience, I found a girl who was into anime. Whoa, exciting. Someone I share interests with. But when I asked what anime were her favourites, she said “One Piece and Fairy Tail.” A bit basic, but she was still an anime fan. We did have some good conversations nonetheless, and I went over to her place to watch some anime together every now and then. That was pretty cool, and she was pretty cool too. And, eventually, I ended up sleeping over at her place. We didn’t put ponos to vagoo and jam it in, but there was a lot of touching and feeling and hands going places. This went on for a couple weeks, and it was nice, but eventually, she felt like cutting it off. She was nice about it though, saying she had fun, but she didn’t want to go any further until she got a boyfriend. That’s fair. I liked her as a friend, but that was about it, and we’d still hang out every now and then after to watch shows. But it was really nice cuddling and sleeping in the same bed with someone who wanted to be with you. This was the human warmth I had sought. Finally, I was truly satisfied.

Despite being satisfied, I still checked out that app. Again, I found someone to talk to, and we did, but then things got strange. She told me she had an impregnation fetish and begged me to “breed her.” Yes, those are the exact words she said. But she also said that she was on birth control and wouldn’t hold me responsible even if she did get pregnant. This was risky. Should I trust her? I couldn’t lie to myself, I wanted to redeem myself after my first time that went wrong. Not to mention I used a condom that time. This time, it was the real deal. Raw dog, as they say. So, she came over to my place. It was night, so I asked her to be quiet, since my roommate was asleep, and she agreed. Then, we went at it, and this time, things actually went well. But even though she agreed to keep quiet, she was not quiet at all. Like, holy shit. She ended up waking my roommate. In the end, I had decided that I couldn’t trust her and planned to pull out. Now, if you’ve read any ero doujinshi, you might know a famous line: “My hips are moving on their own.” I can confirm that this is a real phenomenon. Perhaps it was her erotic voice telling me to fill her up, perhaps it was because it felt so good, but I really couldn’t stop, and ended up finishing inside her after all. I may have dun goofed, but at that moment, my mind went blank. I couldn’t think. I was completely lost to the pleasure. It took a few second, but I finally came back to my senses. As I pulled out, I felt her squeeze tight around me to get every drop out. “You’re good,” she said. All I could say back was “Thanks.” My brain was still fried. So this is mindbreak. Then, she put on her clothes again and left with my goo still inside her. That was extremely hot, and I felt a deep change within me. It’s the biological imperative of all lifeforms to reproduce, and in doing so, I felt like my life had been completed. It sounds really dumb, but evolution and instincts are strong forces. Luckily, as far as I know, she didn’t get pregnant after all. Within a few months, I went from being a virgin who didn’t know what human warmth felt like, to getting with 3 girls. What the hell happened?

As for classes that winter semester, I had elementary particles and fields, mathematical physics, thermodynamics, modern physics, and ordinary differential equations. ODEs was extremely easy, especially after using them so much in computational mechanics. I completely knew how to use them and how to set them up, so this class was just a matter of how to solve them, which wasn’t bad at all.

Thermodynamics was a continuation of the earlier fluids and thermal physics class. In this class, I met my senpais. The two fourth year students. As for the class itself, I don’t have much to say about it. It was fun learning about statistical mechanics, entropy, the laws of thermodynamics, and all that. No real problems there. The real issues began with mathematical physics.

In this, we learned how to use the metric tensor to set up our own curvilinear coordinate systems and do physics in them, we analyzed functions of complex variables leading up to residue calculus, and partial differential equations. The first part was fine, but holy shit residue calculus was something else. I figured out how to do it, but I did not understand what I was doing. I was merely a computer following an algorithm at that point. Even worse, PDEs. You can’t really follow an algorithm with those. Well, you can I guess, but it’s a lot less straightforward. It probably would have been fine if I had an actual PDEs class, but doing it in such a short amount of time was a bit too much. It was here, when I was completely stuck on homework for the first time, that I felt true despair. I had gotten stuck before, but I was able to figure it out eventually, but here, I could not.

Particle physics was going fine in the beginning, until we ended up having to use Feynman calculus to solve scattering and decay problems. It’s not too bad when you take the time to learn it, but again, this stuff came at the very end of the class and we didn’t spend enough time on it for me to get the idea in time before the final exam.

All the other physics classes I took this semester were proper third year classes, but modern physics was a second year class covering introductory quantum mechanics, relativity, and probably other things that I can’t really remember. In comparison to the other classes, it was very simple. At the end, we had to give a presentation with each student presenting a unique topic. Mine was particle physics. These second year students were not ready for my knowledge from the 3rd year particle physics class. I ended up deriving the Dirac equation in it with the goal of confusing as many students as possible. That was fun.

Soon enough, the semester ended, and for the first time I had gotten through a year without anything less than an A in every class (because I didn’t have to take anything like English). I had succeeded in my normie quest, and started to learn real physics. Then it began… the 2017 bizarre summer. I had applied for a summer job doing student research with a professor and got it. It was basically a continuation of the particle physics class, and it was during this summer that I actually understood what the hell we did in that class. My 2nd year physics comrade was also there, and we’d spend every day in the lab doing our own tasks while having a good chat. Then, two girls from a different province who also got student research positions came. Then a first year physics student from our university (for a different reason), and a high school girl. In total, there were 6 of us in the lab. At the end of the day, we’d go to the university’s bar and hang out (those of us who were legal age). That summer, we’d go out on hikes, go to the beach, go shopping together, restaurants, museums, everything. It was the first time I had a group of friends (who I actually liked) in 5 years… It was sad when they left, but nothing I wasn’t used to at this point. It was a summer I’ll never forget.

And that was my 3rd year university experience. What did you all think? It was quite the eventful year, but so was the year after that. Unfortunately, after becoming a temporary normie I could feel my magical power weakening. Next time on the Amen University Experience: “I’ll be your girlfriend, but only for one week,” “I see you accused me of sexism, but that makes you the sexist,” “The Hisoka of Programming.”

ダダダダ天使 | Hopeless Fallen Angel

Very relatable song, I say after translating this song to keep my sleep deprived self awake because I stayed up all night playing online games and passing my last semester through magical power alone. Credits are for the original artists however because I have become a vtuber otaku I am embedding the Minato Aqua cover. Anyway I can’t believe I couldn’t find a translation for this song elsewhere. There’s no way; it’s too popular. I must be missing it.

☆ Title: ダダダダ天使
★ Album: ワンルームシュガーライフ / なんとかなるくない? / 愛の歌なんて(Complete Edition)
☆ Album Artist: Nanawo Akari (ナナヲアカリ)
★ Vocals: Nanawo Akari (ナナヲアカリ)
☆ Arrangement, composition, and lyrics: NayutalieN (ナユタン星人)


やんないじゃない、
できないんだ!
(ドヤ!)

yannai janai,
dekinai n da!
(doya!)

It’s not that I won’t,
It’s that I can’t!
(Smug!)

あー近頃巷で噂のダメ天使
ダメなとこはもう
天使なパワーでおぎなっていく…
その予定さ!

aa chikagoro chimata de uwasa no dame tenshi
dame na toko wa mou
tenshi na pawaa de oginatte iku…
sono yotei sa!

Ah, rumour on the streets lately is there’s a hopeless angel
She makes up for her faults
with her angel powers…
That’s the plan!

ねえ足りないの
もっともっとあなたに
気にしてほしい
だけど注目されすぎたら
ビビるディスコミュ系

nee tarinai no
motto motto anata ni
ki ni shite hoshii
dakedo chuumoku sare sugitara
bibiru disukomyu kei

Hey, it’s not enough
I want you to pay more and more
attention to me
But I’m the type that if you give too much
I’ll feel shy and miscommunicate

天使のリングの点滅は
きれかけてるけど
見方を変えればこれも
アイデンティティさ
なんて強がりさ本当は
曖昧な愛の感情も
あなたと探したいの

tenshi no ringu no tenmetsu wa
kire kaketeru kedo
mikata o kaereba kore mo
aidentiti sa
nante tsuyogari sa hontou wa
aimai na ai no kanjou mo
anata to sagashitai no

My angel ring’s light
is beginning to burn out
but if you look at it differently
it’s part of my identity
But that’s just me trying to act tough
The truth is that I want to explore
these vague feelings of love with you

ねえ
ダメダメダメダメなあたしを
もっと!
愛してね
YES!
大概の衝動に無気力な
エンジェル!
天使ですが
ハイ!
ドキドキドキドキをあげるよ
もっと!
あなたには
YES!
ちゃんと見ていてくれるなら
エンジェル!
やるよ多分
ハイ!
ダダダダ ダメ天使は
ダダダダ ダメですか?
だけどもあたしはいいか?
やんないじゃない、
できないんだ!
(ドヤ!)

nee
dame dame dame dame na atashi o
motto!
aishite ne
YES!
taigai no shoudou ni mukiryoku na
enjeru!
tenshi desu ga
hai!
doki doki doki doki o ageru yo
motto!
anata ni wa
YES!
chanto miteite kureru nara
enjeru!
yaru yo tabun
hai!
da da da da dame tenshi wa
da da da da dame desu ka?
dakedomo atashi wa ii ka?
yannai janai,
dekinai n da!
(doya!)

Hey
As hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless as I am, I want
more of
your love!
YES!
Unable to fight against most impulses
Angel
Though I’m an angel
Yes!
I’ll make your heart throb and throb and throb and throb
more!
but only if
YES!
you’ll properly pay attention to me
Angel!
Then I will, maybe
Yes!
As ho-ho-ho-ho-hopeless as I am,
am I too ho-ho-ho-ho-hopeless for you?
But, listen up, because when it comes to me
It’s not that I won’t,
It’s that I can’t!
(Smug!)

テストで良い点とりたーい
でも頭がちっとも追いつかなーい
日曜日だって早起きしたい
深夜のネトゲがやめられない
ない!

tesuto de ii ten toritaai
demo atama ga chitto mo oi tsukanaai
nichiyoubi datte hayaoki shitai
shinya no netoge ga yamerarenai
nai!

I want to get a good grade on my teest
but my head can’t keep up at aall
I want to wake up early on Sunday too
but I can’t stop playing online games late at night
night!

やる気がないとかそんなんじゃないんだ
やる気があってもできない仕様だ
しょうがないなって許してよ
エンジェルリングを頬張りながら
こんなあたしに誰がしたんだ
てかこんなあたしにあたしがしたのか
しょーがないなって許してよ
エンジェルリングを頬張りながら

yaru ki ga nai toka sonna n janai n da
yaru ki ga attemo dekinai shiyou da
shou ga nai na tte yurushite yo
enjeru ringu o hooburi nagara
konna atashi ni dare ga shita n da
te ka konna atashi ni atashi ga shita no ka
shoo ga nai na tte yurushite yo
enjeru ringu o hooburi nagara

It’s not that I don’t have motivation
Even if I had it, I’m not made for this
There’s nothing I can do, forgive me
Says me lusting for my angel ring
Who made me like this?
Wait, I made myself like this didn’t I
There’s nothing I can do, forgive me
Says me lusting for my angel ring

天使の翼は使ってない
飛ぶの怖いから
本気をだしたら飛べますが?
みたいな顔はしている
そんなハリボテの裏側に
隠した愛の感情が
あなたに笑ってほしいの

tenshi no tsubasa wa tsukattenai
tobu no kowai kara
honki o dashitara tobemasu ga?
mitai na kao wa shiteiru
sonna haribote no uragawa ni
kakushita ai no kanjou ga
anata ni waratte hoshii no

I haven’t used my angel wings
because I’m scared of flying
But if I really tried, I could fly you know?
says the look on my face
Beyond such superficialities
are hidden feelings of love saying
I want you to smile at me

ねえ
ダメダメダメダメなあたしで
…いいですか?
実際は一切の自信も無いような
天使ですが
グルグルグルグルと巡る
頭の中では
あなたのことばかり
考えてるんだ!

nee
dame dame dame dame na atashi de
… ii desu ka?
jissai wa issai no jishin mo nai you na
tenshi desu ga
guru guru guru guru to mawaru
atama no naka de wa
anata no koto bakari
kangaeteru n da!

Hey,
as hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless as I am
… is that fine with you?
Even though I’m angel without an ounce
of self confidence
Running round and round and round and round
inside of my head
the only thing that I can
think of is you!

ダメダメダメダメなあたしを
もっと!
愛してよ
YES!
もらった愛で飛ぼうと思うよ
エンジェル!
天使だから
ハイ!
ドキドキドキドキをあげるよ
もっと!
あなたには
YES!
もっと好きになってくれるなら
エンジェル!
やるよ多分
ハイ!
ダダダダ ダメ天使は
ダダダダ ダメですか?
だけどもあたしはいいか?
やんないじゃない、
できないんだ!
(ドヤ!)

dame dame dame dame na atashi o
motto!
aishite yo
YES!
moratta ai de tobou to omou yo
enjeru!
tenshi dakara
hai!
doki doki doki doki o ageru yo
motto!
anata ni wa
YES!
motto suki ni natte kureru nara
enjeru!
yaru yo tabun
hai!
da da da da dame tenshi wa
da da da da dame desu ka?
dakedomo atashi wa ii ka?
yannai janai,
dekinai n da!
(doya!)

Hey
As hopeless, hopeless, hopeless, hopeless as I am, I want
more of
your love!
YES!
I think I could fly with the love you’d give me
Angel!
I’m an angel after all
Yes!
I’ll make your heart throb and throb and throb and throb
more!
but only if
YES!
you’ll fall for me even more
Angel!
Then I will, maybe
Yes!
As ho-ho-ho-ho-hopeless as I am,
am I too ho-ho-ho-ho-hopeless for you?
But, listen up, because when it comes to me
It’s not that I won’t,
It’s that I can’t!
(Smug!)

いや、でも、
努力はします…
(ドヤ!)

iya, demo
doryoku wa shimasu…
(doya!)

But, well,
I’ll give it a shot…
(Smug!)

彷徨えし瞑宮 | Wandering Labyrinth

Been hooked on Asriel lately. Their music scratches the same itch as Adamkadmon. I feel like this song in particular is a good one to end the decade with. May the 2020s treat you all well.

Note: Labyrinth is usually spelled 迷宮、but here it is spelled with 瞑、which is usually associated with sleep and meditation. In other words, don’t think about it as the sort of labyrinth that you would get lost in physically, but one in which you would get lost in thought. That’s my interpretation at least.

☆ Title: 彷徨えし瞑宮
★ Album: Devils Lullaby
☆ Album Artist: Asriel
★ Vocals and lyrics: KOKOMI
☆ Arrangement and composition: 黒瀬圭亮 (Kurose Keisuke)

貴方を想うほど言えぬこの気持ちを
いつまで抱えれるかな

anata o omou hodo ienu kono kimochi o
itsu made kakaereru kana

These feelings for you, words are not enough to express them
I wonder, how long will I hold onto them?

ただ待ち惚けては無いもの強請りした
あの頃 懐かしい

tada machi bokete wa nai mono nedari shita
ano koro natsukashii

I just waited in vain, wishing for what I couldn’t have
I feel nostalgia for those times

(Last night…Ha…)

ひとりのときが長過ぎて慣れ過ぎたから
ふたりが怖くなる
空白の意味 知るはずも無い未来の絵図

hitori no toki ga naga sugite nare sugita kara
futari ga kowaku naru
kuuhaku no imi shiru hazu mo nai mirai no ezu

I’ve spent too much time all alone, and gotten too used to it
such that I’m scared of being together
A blank meaning, a drawing of the future I have no right to know

一秒先 一秒前に 私が居るように
一秒后 貴方の横 誰が居る

ichibyou saki ichibyou mae ni watashi ga iru you ni
ichibyou ato anata no yoko dare ga iru

Like how I’ll be there one second ahead, one second ago
One second later, who will be next to you?

亡くすより詠おう サヨナラのうた
きっと…これでいい
罅割れた硝子に 映し出される虚空
彷徨えし瞑宮

nakusu yori utaou sayonara no uta
kitto… kore de ii
hibi wareta garasu ni utsushi dasareru kokuu
samayoeshi meikyuu

Instead of losing someone, let’s sing a song of goodbye
Surely… it’s fine this way
Reflected in the broken glass is an empty space
A wandering labyrinth

永遠に捧ぐ想いを全部束ねて
強い風を待つの 遠くへ遠くへ運ぶ風を
新しい始まりの丘で 1つ2つ3つ数え手を離す
あの空高くに 舞い上がれ

eien ni sosogu omoi o zenbu tabanete
tsuyoi kaze o matsu no tooku e tooku e hakobu kaze o
atarashii hajimari no oka de hitotsu futatsu mitsu kazoe te o hanasu
ano sora takaku ni mai agare

I bundle all the feelings I’ll offer for eternity
and I wait for a strong wind, a wind that’ll carry them far, far away
At the hill of new beginnings, one, two, three I count as I let them go
May they fly high into the sky

空に 風に 私はなりたかった
星に 君に 私は在りたい

sora ni kaze ni watashi wa naritakatta
hoshi ni kimi ni watashi wa aritai

I wished I could become the sky, the wind
I want to exist in the stars, in you

そうして感じる全てを君と
共に感じて生きていたい

sou shite kanjiru subete o kimi to
tomo ni kanjite ikiteitai

In doing so, I want to live on
feeling everything there is to feel together with you

ずっとずっと忘れることはない
けれど―――『過去』の記憶―――

zutto zutto wasureru koto wa nai
keredo――― 『kako』no kioku―――

Never, ever, will I forget
though they may be —memories of the ‘past’—

永遠に捧ぐ想いを全部束ねて
強い風を待つの 遠くへ遠くへ運ぶ風を
新しい始まりの丘で 1つ2つ3つ数え手を離す
あの空高くに舞い上がれ

eien ni sosogu omoi o zenbu tabanete
tsuyoi kaze o matsu no tooku e tooku e hakobu kaze o
atarashii hajimari no oka de hitotsu futatsu mitsu kazoe te o hanasu
ano sora takaku ni mai agare

I bundle all the feelings I’ll offer for eternity
and I wait for a strong wind, a wind that’ll carry them far, far away
At the hill of new beginnings, one, two, three I count as I let them go
May they fly high into the sky

空に 人に 私は愛を詠い
星に 君に 私は在りたい

sora ni hito ni watashi wa ai o utai
hoshi ni kimi ni watashi wa aritai

I sing of love to the sky, to people
I want to exist in the stars, in you

そうして此処から始まる軌跡を
私は 歩き始めている

sou shite koko kara hajimaru kiseki o
watashi wa aruki hajimeteiru

Like that, I’m beginning to walk
the path that starts here